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tv   At Midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  February 19, 2015 12:01am-12:34am PST

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about obesity. so treat your questions-- and there's a buffet after tonight's show. and treat your questions with the hashtag keep it 100. one final thought-- seahawks are going to kick some patriot ass this sunday. that's me keeping it 100. good night everybody. captioning sponsored by comedy central >> it's 11:59, and 59 second this happened on today, america's best friend, the police not the band the police raised a few eyebrows this week when they announced some departments are testing a new device that can see through walls. fantastic.
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what? well for the first time people are unhappy with stuff the cops are doing. there is actually a new police uniform in develop to complement their x-ray vision which is that i'm guessing. (applause) >> you know traying to prove they are not all invasion of privacy and excessive force. this week the po-po are putting out cop-based viral videos showcasing their softer side of civil certificate advance to protect and serve up great entertainment. they are fun loving cop lip syncing to taylor swift, which is great. ♪ ♪ shake, shake shake ♪ ♪ shake it off ♪ ♪ never miss a beat ♪ ♪ because because.
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someone wanted to reboot the shield to appeal to teen girls. and they called it swift justice. (laughter) well, i think guys i this think this pr blitz is going great. everything is all fine now. here's one grateful citizen to prove this. went down to her local police department to give the boys a little snack. here we go. there shes is taking the dunkin' donut box and throwing bacon at the cops! and sausages and other pig products because to quote her, god told her to feed the pigs, she said. so there they are they're eating them. now i mean this is all package magic right here. but i think the real star of the video is this guy. keep an eye on him watch do you think this responsible citizen would do. okay right there, and instagram!
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and now back to confessing those murders. was it 32 comedians wa, did he caption this if the owe when he posted it to his own instagram chris par nell go. >> went in to register as a sex offender, came out with breakfast. (applause) >> judy greer. >> i bet her 50 bucks she wouldn't do it. hashtag worthit. >> yes nice. aisha tyler. >> america runs on porkins. >> it's time for @midnight! >> welcome to @midnight. i'm chris hardwick. good i like that. everybody is all fired up ready to do this! (cheers and applause)
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tonight is tag team thursday tonight's comedians are playing for-- they will both be winners, tonight we have three cast members of "archer" right here on this stage thursdays. (cheers and applause) season five, is now available on dvd and blu-ray. the voice of cyril figgis chris parnell. (applause) >> who you are playing for. >> i'm playing for-- i can't help myself@can'thelpmyself. >> all right. the voice of cheryl tunt judy greer. (cheers and applause) >> who are you playing for? >> oh you know,@streettrolls. (laughter) >> and of course the voy of agent lana kane aisha
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tyler. (cheers and applause) aisha, who are you playing for? >> i am playing for@mulad without is mulan older caucasian -- >> sometimes it's fun to build a story. my name is "mulan" i'm a street troll and i can't help myself. the program ripped from the internethead lines it's rapid refresh. (applause) >> at the risk of being horribly killed on the internet t seems to me like the feminist movement is missing something. you know a voice they can-- you don't even know where i'm going with this yet. i'm just saying, i think women really need a voice they can rally around, all right. and what they need, i think is 100% in guy.
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♪ ♪ with respect i say ♪ ♪. >> handsome guy, i'm talking to you, life's not easy, so what you gonea dop. step to the plate and be a man ♪ ♪ never hit a woman or abuse a child ♪ ♪ it's just wrong and illegal too ♪ ♪ some day it will catch up with you ♪ ♪ (applause) >> when you look at this man you're like he's doing this for community service right? this is daddydada with the new hit treat all women are respect. now this is a phenomenal message that we can all get behind domestic violence is bad, wrong evil. but if this guy can rap, anyone with break the bate. so a quick style with the message of your choosing. chris parnell. >> i learned the hard way and had to pay. take your heart medication every day. >> yes points.
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>> aisha. >> i'm not trying to be cruel, i don't want to be mean but it make sure that bitch is over 18. >> yes. (applause) >> depends on what state you're in. >> that only plays kuz i'm black t works kuz i'm black. what are you going to do? >> last wednesday was a really fun show i made an impassioned plea about freeing the nipple in perky defines of our ridiculous censorship rules. and for once for once i actually felt good about using this platform for an admirable cause. instead of just showing gifs of dog farting or whatever the [bleep] we do on this show i'm asleep half the time. but of course the internet w its internet ways went and
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did this wonderful thing. >> it's wiggling in the air. >> fine fine! you caught me. i'm a huge [bleep] being. i had a bangler hanging from my nose. it's very cold in the studio. >> well, i'm surprised there are people who use the word dangler in the world i appreciate the heads up as none of you people bothered to tell me what is going on. be a bro next time. so comedians-- (applause) comedians, what are the ways you could have discreetly informed me that i had a dangler chris parn nell. >> i think you got a traffic jam on the cocaine highway. (applause) >> judy greer. >> look there's a baby coyote and a booger in your nose.
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>> points. >> aisha. >> chris, are you a disco dancer because your nose thinks it's boogie knights. >> points, yeah. >> these are all good answers. and that brings us to the end of rapid refresh. it's now time for tonight's hashtag wars. while we're on the topic of snot or snot pic, i guess. i can to the be the only person who has booged out in the mid of the a heartfelt speech. so the hashtag is snotquotes for example ask snot what you can do for your country or we're going to need a booger boat. >> 60 seconds on the clock and begin. >> aisha i am snot a -- >> nobody puts boogers in a
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corner. >> points. >> i think this is going to be the start of a beautiful phlegmship. >> points. >> pick or pick not there is no try. >> snot a la vista boogie. >> points. >> houston, we have a problem, being around long haired cats. >> points. perfect. >> that brings us to the end of snot tag wars. we'll be right back with more@snot night. >> congratulations to our tweet of the day from ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
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welcome to the easy life. ♪ trident unwrapped. super useful. helps fight cavities. apples are good. as strongbow hard cider, better. but strongbow over ice is the best. enjoying strongbow over ice with your slow motion horse, the bestest. ♪ strongbow, world's number one hard cider. marcia, what happened? >>peter hit me in the nose with a football. i can't go to the dance like this. well i'm sure it was an accident sweetheart. >>an eye for an eye, that's what dad always says. >>i never said that, honey. shut up! time to teach peter a lesson. >>marcia, eat a snickers®. why? >>you get a little hostile when you're
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hungry. better? >>better. >>marcia, marcia, marcia... . jan, this isn't about you. it never is! ♪ ♪ . >> welcome back to @midnight. whooo! >> i will be do being stand-up come de in den
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ferr-- denver for info go to fun comfortable performanceart. comedians whatever, art's okay i guess. i mean usually the artists that suck and you can take that to the banksy. so i will give you some clips of performance artists and for 250 points give me a title for their weerbd art piece. first one, this happy couple. (laughter) >> aisha. >> and they never [bleep] again. >> points. >> chris. >> women, am i right? >> next one this japanese late for work robot.
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>> why do you keep doing these awful things? you hurt me. >> upcircuit charlie. (cheers and applause) >> the little asian that could. >> yes. next one this courtney lover. >> aisha,. >> that is the last time i let you [bleep] in my hair. (cheers and applause)
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>> never again. >> judy. >> we'll just take the check. next one living in a bar car cuss for 13 days and the local news station is all over the story. >> the latest work of this french performance artist involved him living inside of a bear carcass for 13 days. >> oh jeez. >> aisha. >> man brooklyn is really starting to suck. >> points. >> chris. >> frenchie wipes his trust fund. >> i didn't know, i thought it was the other kind of bare. >> all right. last one this off duty wet nurse.
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>> chris. >> look at me, i'm wasting milk. >> american apparel summer catalog. >> genius points. that brings us to the end of performance short. time for our live challenge. stand and deliver. >> now maybe are you fortunate you know each one has a weird little tradition casual fridays, donuts in break room on monday. at @midnight we take the loser of the pal and hunt them for sport in the parking garage for fun gizmodo brought us the story of a dutch workplace taking things to a strange level by forbidding their employees from sitting down. they are not allowed to sit down.
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-- it is if this boss banned sitting i'm sure he has other weird initiatives in mind. draft a short memo about the next saddistic office policy for these people. want your offices after this, we'll be back with more htght we did it charlie. at&t's network now has the nation's strongest lte signal. let's go tell everybody. we're doing thin like putting lte radio's at the top of our towers. to maximize power. and give you the strong signal you deserve. tjiv's(awesome)@ isn't is awesome?! so ya'll optimizied it? we optimized it! people of earth... oh boy... ...america's strongest lte signal is here! 00000000000000000000@@@@@@@ this little piece of hershey's chocolate... is called a pip! it's the way we all start and end a hershey's bar. pip by delicious pip. hershey's is mine, yours, our chocolate.
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mom: ahem... girl: it's a frittata! vo: let us show you what a 2-in-1 can do for you. expert service. unbeatable price. best buy. . >> welcome back to @midnight. before the break i showed a dutch office where workers are banned from sitting an asked to you draft a memo about the next terrible office policy. let's see you what wrote. misjudy greer, let's start with you. >> effective immediately casual friday has now become black tie friday please make a note of it. >> terrible office. >> chris par nell. >> the door handle of every fire exit will now be fitted with a precariously fittedded jar of beans. in the event of a fire please refrain from jostling the jar of beans. >> aisha. >> hey, everyone, some you
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haven't given my assistant cathy your measurements. we can't have s & m or geotuesdays if we don't have your-- size. (applause) >> 250 to juszee greer. the next game amazon gift guide -- >> the 47th birthday of walking potato garlic head guy fieri. look, look okay look i get it we have taken a lot of shots at guy on the show. but everything we do here is out of love. love for that riddick us vodka blond got-taint of a man. we love him. this is us having fun. so comedian, let's try to give love to guy by lifting the guy tas particular gifts you can buy for him on amazon like nacho cheese body wash or a tapout man bra. or if you want to play along
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at home, tweet your guy fieri gift and tag hem points and you could compete compete-- let's put 60 seconds, begin. >> a mirror. >> . (laughter) >> ed hardy lipitor. >> yes points. >> judy. >> one honest friend. >> points. >> a flame jeweled blazer from brook bras. >> points. >> judy. >> a clean reflective surface. >> please. >> starbucks gift card. everybody wants that. >> nice that is nice. >> a viser mirror? (laughter) >> points. >> a coupon for a back rub from the lead singer of
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puddle of mud. >> yes, points. >> judy. >> an intervention. >> yeah. (applause) >> aisha. >> the something to get the smell of paula deen off his fingers. >> points. >> because they make sweet sweet passionate love. >> aisha there is why paula deen hates black people. (laughter) (applause) >> never coming on the talk again. >> that's the end of amazon gift guy-fieri. >> darn it? normally we eliminate people but a door off you. i'm taking you all to the final round. (cheers and applause)
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kierke-garten it's for the win. >> an obsession of posting notes from children a imgur-- imgur posted what they pur forth to be say my friend aes girl posted a note and this is the answer. do you like me what do you think the answer is. >> it says i don't know i don't know myself yet. plus i'm under a lot of stress at home so i can't tell. ps, you don't know yourself until you're 18. >> comedians during the break write an existential note for this paste-eating proust would send to someone else in his class. when we come back we'll name a winner on @midnight. the precision blades are the same.
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spray this. drive that. wear this. shave that. be a man. if you need to be told how to be a man, taco bell's triple steak stack isn't for you. steak. steak. and more steak. with cheese. only at taco bell. >> welcome back to @midnight. it's time for for the win. i'm going wipe your scores tell kinetically. i will raid the answer as loud. you as the audience shall decide the winner who is the best archer cast member. >> where were you h john benjamin if that is your real name. remember, you guys are also playing for your tag team partner at home. before the break i asked to you write a note.
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let's see. >> first one. >> you think that frog we dissected in science class had a family. do you think it is a one piece in heaven or supplied in hell with its entrails hanging out. >> (applause) >> or. >> the-- in the world are in constant quantity. somewhere else another stop. i will not be able to taend your birthday party at chuck e. cheese this saturday. regards. (applause) >> last one. >> you want to go to the dance by the dance i mean the grim waltz of life forever twirling toward its tragic end, also my parents won't be home so you can give me a hand job. (cheers and applause) >> number three is the winner. who is number three? >> aisha tyler you have
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